Life, Loss, and Permission to Be

I’ve been putting garden tasks on my to-do lists for months now, and for months, I’ve pushed them aside, popping out only to take care of essentials. Why? What is it that’s keeping me out of one of my happiest places?

I was feeling uncomfortable, antsy, and with a sigh, finally grabbed up the shipment of garlic and seeds I received last week. Best to get this over with while it’s not raining.
I stood in the sun-room feeling guilty, as if I ought to be doing something more “worthy” with my time. What has become of me that growing food and caring for my little precious piece of dirt is unworthy?

I know there is a hole in my life, but also a huge shift in energy and priorities with the recent loss of my mother-in-law. Since my husband’s father died suddenly, nearly nine years ago, we’ve put LaVerne at the top of our list of life concerns. From helping her cope with loss to helping her cope with the onset of dementia, from caring for her in her home and ours, to care in a facility, we’ve been on call for all those years.

She’s gone now. The feeling of being on call? It’s not, yet.

I don’t know where in there the belief came about that I don’t have permission to pursue gardening or cooking or writing (or reading!) with my whole heart.

I need to let that belief go. Celebrate my passions, make space for them, and pursue them, wholeheartedly.

I’m really glad I planted the garlic, and planted a bunch of it. I’m also glad that I didn’t actually get that huge spider in my hair, glad I gave myself permission, to go, and do, and be, wholeheartedly.

What are you glad you gave yourself permission to do today?

About vst3in

I am a writer, avid reader, library techie, birder and runner. I make felt and teach others. I love colors and textures and birds and books. I'm working on a historical novel and reading lots of books for young people. I am running to get stronger, and I sail with my husband. This blog contains thoughts about all these things.
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